Father of Mine

I have randomly written about my father over the years.  The pattern always stayed the same:  "He was a sonofabitch, he beat up his disabled wife and little daughter - such a big man, right??  Ugh, it was a blessing he passed.  Yup, he just beat me up, that's all.  Christ, he wasn't that much of a monster!"

But what if he was?

What if he had done such reprehensible acts to his daughter that she can only remember them during her night terrors that have been incredibly active for the past 15 years?  And in a bitter twist, she can't remember any of her parasomnia, instead depending on her husband to fill her in with the phrases she says in her sleep that make him want to vomit?  

(I won't specify the reprehensible acts that I've deduced.  That's just unnecessarily cruel for all of us and is meant for a private paper journal. Vague allusion will be the name of the game here.)  

But yes.  He WAS that much of a monster.  I don't blame him for all my issues, but he was certainly at the root of many.

It's been 30 years since he died.  Why bring it up now? Why finally be public? 

Well, why wouldn't I?  Why should we keep this such a stigmatized shameful secret?  The only people who should be shamed are those who sexually abuse others. I suppose there’s also that fear that since I share his genetics that people will start wondering about me. I would hope anyone that knows me even a little bit realizes I would walk into traffic before hurting my kids. 

My intention for this blog is to break down the mystery.  Why didn't I remember this until I was around 34 years old?  Why can't I actually remember?  Just how deeply can one dissociate and compartmentalize?  What lifelong bad habits incurred?  Why do we feel like we need to protect them, even if they're long gone or dead?  

I want other people to realize they're not alone. My url is “all the misfits and the losers” which is one of my favorite lyrics ever from my beloved Hedwig and the Angry Inch:

“And you’re shining like the brightest star.

A transmission on the midnight radio

And you’re spinning your new 45s

All the misfits and the losers

Yeah you know you’re rock and rollers

Spinning to your rock and roll

Lift up your hands...”

Stay awhile, my fellow misfits. Leave when it’s necessary. Mental health is key. You are heard, you are believed, and you are strong. To those that are supporting me, I love you and I thank you. I know it’s not easy to read about subjects like this, especially with someone you know, and I truly appreciate it. I have a Subscribe link up top, and I have a Follow Me by Email link in the upper left menu as well.  

Until next time,

C