You Know I Just Closed My Eyes


I don’t know if it’s the meds, hormones, depression, pandemic, trauma, impending mid-life crisis or what.

But I have been feeling completely disjointed and out of sorts these past couple weeks.

I don’t know who I am. I relied on pop culture to define me throughout all the stages of my life. (Ahem, see above....)

Well, except for this most recent one: motherhood

I love being a mom to these kids. I may be an older mom, but I also know that I was as ready as I was ever going to be. The pandemic may be making me a little batty, but I think all parents are going through that right now. 

It’s just rough. We barely had a village to begin with and now we really don’t. 

My need for defining pop culture started slowly slipping away as my trauma started pushing more towards the forefront with each child. Postpartum hormones were certainly a bitch, but it was the hormone crash and change after my milk dried up that changed me both times. 

The time period was 6 months for both kids. I gained weight and began sleepwalking regularly after I stopped nursing my son. I gained a lot of weight and became a full on hellish REM disorder after I stopped nursing my daughter. 

I was in therapy for so many years. I knew I had to find that inner little girl who was sitting in purgatory stunted hell while knowing and reliving all my secrets. I tried. My therapist wanted me to get to know her, befriend her, buy her a toy (she got a mini hot pink Care Bear), ultimately get her to realize she’s not being ignored or forgotten. 

I didn’t do a very good job. I had to get a psychiatrist and go on Abilify and Prazosin at night. The PTSD acting out was strong. I feel bad that she’s still living in this hell but I’m also a little scared to fully hear all the truth. 

Is that my identity? Crazy nighttime chick? I haven’t had an episode in a long time, which is fantastic. But on a more self-fulfilling and healthy note, I’m also trying to understand and figure out WHO I am. What do I like to do? Where do I like to hang out that’s not NYC? Why am I so scared to explore different facets of my personality? 

Am I DID (dissociative identity disorder)? My therapist said she thought I was to a point, that it was the PTSD induced variety. But I don’t think of myself as having multiple personalities. But what if I DO?? This inner child? This manifested anger? I’m basically blacked out with both of those personalities, particularly the anger.

So could I just be having “an episode” of sorts? A reaction to anything mentioned in the opening sentence? Or am I just really trying to find out who I am? Should I accept that these two personality aspects are a part of me while simultaneously taming them? 

Let’s go with the latter. I’ll have to journal that one out. Maybe seeing a visual will help me figure that out. I wasted so much time in my life picking myself apart when I could have accomplished so much. But 40’s not old, I still have time to find and enjoy multiple interests. The next big step is actually doing it. 

I’ve just given myself homework! Next time should have more visuals for sure. 

Until then,

C


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