Tell Me Where Have You Been

I can’t dance

But oh do I love dancing 

I wasn’t as confident as Audrey Horne 

Dancing in front of a diner or her father’s hotel 

But I would just let loose in my room

I didn’t know moves

Did it matter? 

I just felt the music

Even when I was in my darkest moments

I still broke out the Right Stuff shuffle 

My first real hip grind song was Town Without Pity

(thanks Look Who’s Talking)

I would pretend to be Molly and wonder

If I would ever have a James burst through the door 

I sure didn’t see that behavior at home 

My father only got close to my mom to strangle her 

I saw him kissing his girlfriend with my glasses off

From that point forward, everything changed

I still danced

The music changed 

The pop faded, the hard rock pounded

The music thumped through my soul

The videos fully awakened my burgeoning sexuality 

I was shy and scared yet personally experimental 

I knew what I liked

But would anyone else?

It became an obsession

I could never talk about it with others. 

I stumbled on an explicit 70s porn video when I was 15 and my brain almost broke. 

I called my ex-boyfriend in a panic as he was the only one at the time who I didn’t think would judge

He talked me down (Obviously we never had sex)

(I was too scared to kiss guys let alone get naked)

I often think I should have detoured on the girl route sooner

But my high school group of friends until I was 18? Yeah ok. That wasn’t happening if I didn’t want to be shunned

We went to a club once. Only time in my life you could say I did the whole bump and grind thing with a stranger. A preppy one too. 

But I really wanted to thrash to Smashing Pumpkins and Metallica

I opened my showtunes eyes through Rocky Horror

(And my glam)

I lose myself in music and relate so much of life to song lyrics.

I am immersed in showtunes. I taught myself the opening choreography to Cabaret and would practice in the kitchen in-between taking care of my family.

I would dance in the car 

I kicked ass at dance video games 

I would tear up the dance floor at weddings 

Sometimes I wonder if my lack of dancing since I’ve had children has contributed to my body pain

But back to the end of high school...

I became obsessive over keeping a boyfriend because I wanted to be a part of his family 

That ended badly. Ha

College sucked with the exception of my best friend 

My first job completely opened my mind back up. 

I am a misfit. A loser. A strange rock and roller.

I like both men and women. 

I had more opportunities at the mall than I realized so of course I chose the worst one that I am not ready to talk about yet - and can we say daddy issues?!

I still kick myself over one opportunity that I basically kicked away even though I so very much wanted it to happen. 

It’s rare that I let myself trust others

Those who are sexually abused often become highly sexually active or very repressed.

I think I was more sexually obsessed than I realized, it just came out through music on my own 

Music keeps your hips and sexuality alive if you choose

I haven’t chosen to keep my body alive in a long time.

I just don’t feel right. I feel tense, uptight, and repressed 

Apparently that’s not me. I don’t want that to be me!

I feel like I should go dance and sing in my chair to my gym playlist tomorrow while then segueing to some old “choreography”

Just because I was pushed into sexuality far too early does not mean that I should not be reclaiming myself and my body on my own. 

Now if only I could look like Sherilyn Fenn while doing so.